The Befouled Weakly News

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question, worth 500 points! “To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. “Rudolph!” he said confidently, “and … Olive!”

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain Olive?“

“You know,” the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. Olive, the other reindeer …” Continue reading “15 December 2013 – Amusements”

The Great Superbo turns up at the music hall for an audition, dragging behind him an enormous steamer trunk. His act consists of hitting his head with a hammer, which forces out different notes from his mouth. He can perform many numbers, including God Save The King and My Old Man.

The theatre manager loves it. “Great act,” he says, “but what’s in the trunk?”

“Aspirin.” Continue reading “8 December 2013 – Amusements”

Since those of you in the States have just celebrated Thanksgiving, I thought I would share a few feeble Thanksgiving-themed amusements. And, please remember – I don’t make them up, I only pass them along.

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A turkey farmer wanted to genetically engineer the perfect turkey for his family’s holiday meal. His turkeys were already delicious but there was one big problem: not enough drumsticks.

He was tired of all the fighting over the holiday table, so he decided to do something about it.

He spent years trying to selectively breed a turkey that would have enough drumsticks to go around. It became an obsession – he gave up socializing and became something of a hermit and a running joke in the town.

After several years of increasingly reclusive behavior, the other farmers were shocked when he turned up at their local watering hole.

“Well?!?” they asked him, en masse.

“I did it!” said the turkey farmer, “I bred one that has 6 legs!”

“Wow!” “Congratulations!” “We knew you’d pull it off!”

The bartender said, “That’s great, but we have to ask: How did it taste?”

“I don’t know…” said the farmer. “I never could catch the darn thing!” Continue reading “1 December 2013 – Amusements”

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs.”

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”

“I wasn’t,” he replied. Continue reading “24 November 2013 – Amusements”

A variation on an old favourite:

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. ‘What if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered, ‘Are we stuck together forever?’

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

‘Yes,’ he informs them, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a Lawyer?!’ Continue reading “17 November 2013 – Amusements”