The Befouled Weakly News

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a massive pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but. . . there was one aspect of the accident which you need to be aware of. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped clean off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got £9000 compensation to come to you from the insurance company and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But. . . the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s £1000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this.

“So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want on your new penis. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for nine inches, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision..”

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And what is the decision?” asks the doctor.

“We’re having granite worktops in our new kitchen.” Continue reading “19 January 2014 – Amusements”

Mary tried her hand at baking cinnamon rolls for the first time. She put them on the breakfast table, and Jack picked one up and took a bite. Mary waited for several minutes for the compliment that never came. Finally, she asked, “How much do you think I would get if I sold those cinnamon rolls commercially?”

“Oh, no more than ten years,” Jack replied, never putting down the morning paper. Continue reading “12 January 2014 – Amusements”

A week or so late and a variation on one we’ve had before (I think). This came from our friend Julie in Australia and originally referred to Canberra. We’ve altered it to make it more appropriate for the majority of our readership.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation’s Capital this Christmas  season.

This isn’t for any religious reason.  They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Washington!!

The search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough donkeys to fill the stable. Continue reading “5 January 2014 – Amusements”

I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.

“Sorry,” I replied, “but I’ve been incapacitated.”

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

I interrupted and said, “I’m incapacitated. Do you know what that means?”

She hesitated. “It means your head was cut off?” Continue reading “29 December 2013 – Amusements”

A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he’s ever seen. He asks the shop owner how much the bird costs.

The shop owner replies, “That bird is $1000”.

“What?!?” cries the man. “$1000 for a bird? What does it do that makes it worth that much?”

“Well, I’m glad you asked,” says the shop owner. “You see, that bird can sing every female role in the Ring Cycle from memory.”

The man is truly impressed but he cannot afford to spend that much money. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful bird in another cage and asks how much that bird costs.

“That bird is $2000,” replies the shop owner.

The man asks what this bird can do.

“Well,” says the shop owner, “he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory.”

The man is amazed but he can’t afford this bird either.

He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking and gasping in a cage in the corner of the shop.

Thinking that this bird would not cost very much he enquires of the proprietor, “How much for the half dead bird in the corner?”

“Oh, that bird is $20000,” he is told by the owner.

Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does.

“Oh, we haven’t found out yet,” the owner replies, “but the other two call him ‘Maestro’.” Continue reading “22 December 2013 – Amusements”