Greg's Occasional News & Views
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
“Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”
“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?”
“They called back!” Continue reading “23 February 2014 – Amusements”
Another week, another seven days of wet and windy weather. And so it goes on. The forecaster’s job has certainly been pretty easy these past weeks. On Friday and Saturday it seems we had a months’ worth of rain in two days – considering that we’ve already had several months’ worth of rain we are coming to the conclusion that this is just getting silly. Continue reading “16 February 2014”
I know we’ve had this before (22 January 2012, apparently, and that wasn’t the first time) but I still love it.
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, “What will it be?”
The man replied, “A burger and a coke.”
“And you?”
“I’ll have the same,” the ostrich replies.
They finish their meal and ask for the bill.
“That will be $4.50,” the waitress says.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount. They do this every day until Friday.
“The usual?” the waitress asks.
“No, today is Friday. I’ll have steak and a coke.”
“Me too.” says the ostrich.
They finish and ask for the bill.
“That will be $10.95”
The man reaches in and pulls out the exact amount again just every other day that week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. “How is it that you always are able to pull out the exact amount fo money each time?”
“Well,” says the man. “I was cleaning my attic one day and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.
” Wow!” said the waitress. “What did you wish for?”
“I asked that whenever I needed to pay for something, the exact amount of money would appear in my pocket.”
“What a great wish! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what’s with the ostrich?”
“Well,” said the man. “I also asked for a chick with long legs.” Continue reading “16 February 2014 – Amusements”
Welcome to soggy, squelchy, sodden, mushy and moist Byfield. Yes, it’s still raining and more is on the way. It’s been the wettest January since records began and we had three times the “normal” amount of rain last month which is always a pretty wet month! An item on the news night before last told us that our reservoirs are full and even if we had no more rain at all, we have enough water in the system to last until September. So, hosepipe ban by about the middle of September, I reckon. It’s also been pretty mild which I suppose is the silver lining to these particular rain clouds – day before yesterday I heard and then saw our first housefly of the season! Even the weather forecasters are beginning to get a bit embarrassed – “Yes, more of the same I’m afraid, Fiona” as they give us the forecast they could have given every night for the past eight weeks. They’ve started describing it as a “conveyor belt” of storm systems which keep coming one after the other after the other. And last night I ran across an article warning cat owners to keep their pets indoors due to the danger of them being blown away by the gale force winds. Frankly, it’s all getting a bit tedious.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When the husband asked his wife to check something on the map a half-hour later, she suddenly realized she had left her glasses on the table, and demanded he turn back.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!” Continue reading “9 February 2014 – Amusements”
Happy Groundhog Day to you all. I hope you all see your shadow (or don’t – I can never remember which event is supposed to mark an end to winter). We could certainly do with an end to our rain – it’s been wet and windy most of the week, just for a change. And, guess what the forecasters are predicting for the week to come? More (and more, and more) rain and more flooding particularly in the south-west and Wales although today is supposed to be bright and sunny, if somewhat on the cold side.
A young lady graduated from college and started teaching at an area school. One day she went with a friend to a nearby restaurant for lunch. A man seated next to her asks, “Are you a teacher?”
Surprised but happy, she replied, “Why, yes, I certainly am!” She enjoyed a warm feeling throughout the meal. She looked like a teacher, and this made her feel great. As she was leaving the restaurant, she asked the man, “How did you know I was a teacher?”
“You have chalk dust on your butt,” he replied. Continue reading “2 February 2014 – Amusements”
Good morning to you all on what is expected to be a wet and windy day in beautiful downtown Byfield and throughout much of the UK. Just what we need! We have had a few glorious days this past week – bright, bright clear blue skies with mild temperatures and, of course, lots of mud for Molly to attract on our strolls. We’ve also had a couple of very frosty mornings when no hosing of the dog is required but this weekend, apparently, we are due to be “back to normal” with dull, grey skies and more and more rain. The Environment Agency is predicting more flooding and in Somerset they have declared a “major incident” which is rather similar to what happens in the States when a “state of emergency” is announced. Places in Somerset have been underwater since the beginning of January and whole villages have been cut off and indeed even abandoned. Continue reading “26 January 2014”
A Red Sox fan goes into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan, “Except for Mr. Yankee.”
The Yankee fan smiles and says, “Thank you.”
Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankee. This goes on for a while until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?”
“No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender, “He owns the place.” Continue reading “26 January 2014 – Amusements”
Good morning to you all. Hope you’ve all had a good week and that those of you who have been enduring unusual or extreme weather have seen its impact mitigated. We were intrigued to read Pam’s weekly Whiner and reflect on the change in temperature at the Lake moving from minus a million to a balmy, spring-like 50o F in a few days. Crazy! We’ve had a few chilly and frosty days but the latter part of the week has been relatively mild for the time of year, much to the disorientation of our local flora and fauna – the song birds are busily performing symphonies in an effort to attract a partner for the season and the buds on the trees, shrubs and bushes are beginning to show signs of action. I haven’t the heart to tell them it’s only mid-January and the worst is yet to come! Still, lots and lots of rain and continuing flooded rivers but not quite so bad as in the past few weeks – still every bit as muddy, though, much to Molly’s chagrin. Continue reading “19 January 2014”