The Befouled Weakly News

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After enquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Ted died last month. He went out to the garden to cut a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch.”

“Oh dear! I’m very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?”

“Called and had a pizza delivered instead.” Continue reading “8 June 2014 – Amusements”

This came from our friend Erik Benson in France:

MY WIFE’S RIDE-ON LAWN MOWER IS NOW FOR SALE !

Here’s the story. It’s still hard to believe the way it turned out.

My wife said she wanted a ride-on lawn mower. She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work, and I thought that a ride-on lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside.

So, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a ride-on lawn mower. I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug. I even put a light on it so she could work at night (see photo below), after she finishes putting away the dinner dishes.

To this day I still can’t understand why some women are so hard to please!!

P.S.

I can see out of my left eye pretty good now and should be able to leave the hospital sometime next week! Continue reading “1 June 2014”

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the cocktail waitress walked into the bar.

“It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm Street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere! Thank God I took that first-aid course!”

“Did you splint his broken leg?” the bartender asked.

“No….” the girl said.

“Did you wrap his head in gauze?” he asked.

“No….” the girl said.

“Did you dress his wounds?” he asked, starting to really wonder.

“No….” the girl said.

“Well, what did you do that you learned in your first-aid class?” he finally asked.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!” Continue reading “25 May 2014 – Amusements”

We’ve had this before . . .

A duck went into a grocery store and said, “Have you got any grapes?”

The grocer answered, “No, sorry,” and the duck went away.

A little while later the duck came back and said, “Have you got any grapes?”

The grocer, once again, said, “No, sorry, we still don’t have any grapes.” So the duck went away.

After a while the duck came into the store again and said, “Have you got any grapes?”

The grocer, getting a bit annoyed now, said, “Look, I told you before, we don’t have any grapes!”

The duck went away.

The duck came back yet again: “Have you got any grapes?”

Really angry now the grocer replied, “Look if you come back in here again asking for grapes I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!”

The duck went away.

You guessed it, back came the duck. This time he said, “Have you got any nails?”

The grocer answered, “No, sorry.”

And the duck said, “Have you got any grapes?” Continue reading “18 May 2014 – Amusements”

My banana bread was baking in the oven when my teenage son came into the kitchen where the family had gathered. “That bread smells about done, don’t you think, Mom?” he asked. I told him I had set the timer and it was fine.

A little later he repeated his suggestion. “Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it.”

Always quick to come to my defense, my younger son said, “Eddie, Mom’s been burning that banana bread for years. I think she knows when to take it out.” Continue reading “11 May 2014 – Amusements”