The Befouled Weakly News

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband’s home early!”

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, “It’s raining out there!”

She said, “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!”

So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.

One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”

He answered, while gasping for air, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

The next runner then asked the nude man, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”

The nude man answered breathlessly, “Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

A third runner asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

Without missing a beat he replied, “Only when it’s raining.” Continue reading “17 August 2014 – Amusements”

We’ve had it before but what the thit!

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle bunny wabbits?”

The shopkeeper’s heart melts, and he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white bunny wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack bunny wabbit? Or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown bunny over there?”

She, in turn, blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t know. I don’t think my boa conthricter givths a thit. Continue reading “10 August 2014 – Amusements”

A very confident Marine Corps Pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The Pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties….”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The Fighter Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.” Continue reading “3 August 2014 – Amusements”

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.

Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.” Continue reading “27 July 2014 – Amusements”

A variation on one we’ve had before but with a different punchline.

One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, “What the heck are you doing? You’re going to get us killed!”

Then the driver responded, “Don’t worry, my mother always drives like this.”

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that, too, was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, “I thought I told you, you’re gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!”

The driver looked at the passenger and responded, “All right! I get it, but I told you my mother drives like this all the time!”

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time it was green. The driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. “What the heck are you doing?”

The passenger screamed. “This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?”

“Well, my mother might be coming the other way,” the driver said. Continue reading “20 July 2014 – Amusements”