Month: March 2015

A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied: “a can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.” Continue reading “29 March 2015 – Amusements”

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife “What’s up with all the bills?”

To which his wife replies, “Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.” Continue reading “22 March 2015 – Amusements”

This came from Dad.

Up in Yorkshire

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, ‘That’s about average in Yorkshire … like I said, my boy’s a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.’  Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of ‘WOW!’ One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, ‘Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?’

The proud father answers, ‘Twenty pounds.’ The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. ‘What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!’

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith’s Bitter Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

‘Had him circumcised…’ Continue reading “15 March 2015 – Amusements”

This came from my friend Julie:

Ralph, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so he bought a pair and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Ethel, age 75, looked him over. “Nope.”

Frustrated, Ralph stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

He asked Ethel a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Ethel looked up and said in her best deadpan look, “Ralph, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Ralph yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, ETHEL?”

“Nope. Not a clue, Ralph,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”

Without missing a beat Ethel replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Ralph. Shoulda bought a hat. Continue reading “8 March 2015 – Amusements”

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.

His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?”

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get yelled at if I go home anyway!” Continue reading “1 March 2015 – Amusements”