Every year about this time our bird-loving neighbour Sally puts some bird seed and fat balls on some bird tables and in the branches of the tree in her front garden. Every year about this time Molly eventually discovers the new self-service café on the neighbour’s front lawn and ambles out regularly to hoover up the discards. As well as the left-overs, of course, she also hoovers up the bird droppings left behind by the previous diners. This inevitably results in an upset stomach with accompanying explosive diarrhoea leading to repeated loud and penetrative “barks” in the middle of the night for someone to let her out so that she can use the facilities of the back garden. Now, when I eat a dodgy burger I learn the lesson (until the next time, of course). Molly would quite happily repeat this sequence of events several times a day if she were able. So, Tuesday morning after a decidedly disrupted Monday night I went out to shut the gates (which are normally left open because she has never wandered further than next door’s front garden) and thus prevent her access to the dining service next door. While I was doing so Molly watched me closely with a look that could kill and an expression which clearly said, “you f***ing b*****d!” I am only doing it for your well-being, sweetheart.
14 December 2014 – Amusements
The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face, saying, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor in the church that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.”
The entire congregation was completely silent.
“Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.” No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me in front of your brethren and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful. Now please stand and confess your transgression.” Again all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. The preacher was visibly shaken when he saw her rise.
“You, Miss Johnson?!”
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding,” she began, clearly not wanting to make her confession in front of everyone. “I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told one of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!” Continue reading “14 December 2014 – Amusements”