Month: December 2014

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28 December 2014

We survived! Just about. Hope you did too.

The festivities actually started for us last Saturday when we went up to London for our occasionally annual pre-Christmas theatre outing with our good friends Dave & Sue Walton and Sue & Stuart Kelly-Brown. Ms Playchute and I dressed up in our best Christmas outfits – she looked great, as always, and I looked tolerably presentable. We’ve been doing this for some years –an exhibition or gallery in the morning, lunch somewhere and then a matinee performance of a play followed by dinner and a fairly early train home – we’re generally tucked up in bed by about 9.30! Continue reading “28 December 2014”

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28 December 2014 – Amusements

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around. She was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She pulled out her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband, in a calm voice, said, “Honey, remember the jewelry store we went into oh, about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you someday?”

Her anger quickly vanished.

“Yes,” she said, starting to cry a little. “I remember that jewelry store.”

“Well,” he said, “I’m in the bar right next to that store.” Continue reading “28 December 2014 – Amusements”

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21 December 2014 – Amusements

A Christmas Theme to all our Amusements this week. Have a wonderfully happy time.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

“It represents a candle,” he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.” Continue reading “21 December 2014 – Amusements”

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14 December 2014

Every year about this time our bird-loving neighbour Sally puts some bird seed and fat balls on some bird tables and in the branches of the tree in her front garden. Every year about this time Molly eventually discovers the new self-service café on the neighbour’s front lawn and ambles out regularly to hoover up the discards. As well as the left-overs, of course, she also hoovers up the bird droppings left behind by the previous diners. This inevitably results in an upset stomach with accompanying explosive diarrhoea leading to repeated loud and penetrative “barks” in the middle of the night for someone to let her out so that she can use the facilities of the back garden. Now, when I eat a dodgy burger I learn the lesson (until the next time, of course). Molly would quite happily repeat this sequence of events several times a day if she were able. So, Tuesday morning after a decidedly disrupted Monday night I went out to shut the gates (which are normally left open because she has never wandered further than next door’s front garden) and thus prevent her access to the dining service next door. While I was doing so Molly watched me closely with a look that could kill and an expression which clearly said, “you f***ing b*****d!” I am only doing it for your well-being, sweetheart.

Continue reading “14 December 2014”

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14 December 2014 – Amusements

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face, saying, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor in the church that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.”

The entire congregation was completely silent.

“Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.” No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me in front of your brethren and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful. Now please stand and confess your transgression.” Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. The preacher was visibly shaken when he saw her rise.

“You, Miss Johnson?!”

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding,” she began, clearly not wanting to make her confession in front of everyone. “I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told one of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!” Continue reading “14 December 2014 – Amusements”

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7 December 2014

Brrr. It’s been a chilly week – so chilly that Ms Playchute has finally demanded that the electric blanket gets installed on the bed, much to my disapproval. It does have two controls so I don’t have to have my side of the bed switched on but I would sooner do without it altogether. A blanket and a duvet is just too much! I’d also probably have the bedroom window wide open at night if I were allowed. Still, it must be working – this morning I awakened to find that Penelope had flung all her blankets off and, at some point during the night, had stripped off all her pyjamas which were lying in a huddled heap at the side of the bed. I told her it was too hot! Continue reading “7 December 2014”

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7 December 2014 – Amusements

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Prove it.”

He frowns for a moment, then says, “O.K.” He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well, I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can I tell?” Continue reading “7 December 2014 – Amusements”