Good morning and “Happy Autumn” to you all. We’ve had a pretty decent week of weather – the mornings have been quite autumnal with mist and heavy morning dew but we’ve generally maintained good temperatures with some lovely sunny afternoons. You can tell it’s Autumn, though – our Boston Ivy is exhibiting its finest crimson red foliage and it gets dark earlier and earlier. On Wednesday I had to put the outside light on for Penelope for her return from an evening of jumping about at the gym – it’s dark by 8.00 pm!
28 September 2014 – Amusements
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon.”
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire.”
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”
The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!” Continue reading “28 September 2014 – Amusements”
21 September 2014
What a busy and exciting social whirl we’ve enjoyed this week! Two outings to two theatres in one week. I am definitely feeling extraordinarily cultured although, of course, the truth is that I am still anything but. Continue reading “21 September 2014”
21 September 2014 – Amusements
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks, “What?”
“Sex.” he replies.
Mildred exclaims, “Why you old toot. You couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
“I know,” Frank says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.”
“Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank’s thingie.
Then one night Frank didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank’s little Pal.
Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?”
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s.” Continue reading “21 September 2014 – Amusements”
14 September 2014
It’s been a pretty good week – not a huge abundance of sunshine but enough to make you feel that it’s been a pretty nice day. To be fair, things are turning decidedly autumnal – there is a freshness in the air, the mornings have tended to start somewhat mistily and the Boston Ivy is turning already! Too soon! Continue reading “14 September 2014”
14 September 2014 – Amusements
A Variation on an Old Favourite
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
The alternative punchline:
St Peter replied. “Well, we’ve never had a lawyer here before!” Continue reading “14 September 2014 – Amusements”
7 September 2014
Surprisingly, it’s been a pretty good week. After one of the coolest Augusts we’ve had in many years, September has started warm, dry and mainly sunny. We’re still waiting for the arrival of a proper Indian summer but this will do in the interim.
Penelope was out in the front the other day and noticed a veritable bombardment of swallows – there were probably around twelve to fifteen swallows performing aerial acrobatics above our driveway. I am guessing that this was the third brood of our resident swallows having been fledged and learning to fly and catch their food on the wing along with all the previous brothers and sisters. I imagine they were getting their instructions straight for the upcoming migration to South Africa.
“OK, has everyone got that? We’ll meet on the twelfth above the cricket pitch and then set off on the following day. Don’t forget to pack your toothbrush because once we leave we aren’t turning back!” Continue reading “7 September 2014”
7 September 2014 – Amusements
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”
The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him.
The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”
St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
“Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
“Tell me about the day you died,” he said to the third man in line.
“OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….” Continue reading “7 September 2014 – Amusements”