Month: December 2013

I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.

“Sorry,” I replied, “but I’ve been incapacitated.”

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

I interrupted and said, “I’m incapacitated. Do you know what that means?”

She hesitated. “It means your head was cut off?” Continue reading “29 December 2013 – Amusements”

A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he’s ever seen. He asks the shop owner how much the bird costs.

The shop owner replies, “That bird is $1000”.

“What?!?” cries the man. “$1000 for a bird? What does it do that makes it worth that much?”

“Well, I’m glad you asked,” says the shop owner. “You see, that bird can sing every female role in the Ring Cycle from memory.”

The man is truly impressed but he cannot afford to spend that much money. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful bird in another cage and asks how much that bird costs.

“That bird is $2000,” replies the shop owner.

The man asks what this bird can do.

“Well,” says the shop owner, “he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory.”

The man is amazed but he can’t afford this bird either.

He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking and gasping in a cage in the corner of the shop.

Thinking that this bird would not cost very much he enquires of the proprietor, “How much for the half dead bird in the corner?”

“Oh, that bird is $20000,” he is told by the owner.

Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does.

“Oh, we haven’t found out yet,” the owner replies, “but the other two call him ‘Maestro’.” Continue reading “22 December 2013 – Amusements”

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question, worth 500 points! “To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. “Rudolph!” he said confidently, “and … Olive!”

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain Olive?“

“You know,” the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. Olive, the other reindeer …” Continue reading “15 December 2013 – Amusements”

The Great Superbo turns up at the music hall for an audition, dragging behind him an enormous steamer trunk. His act consists of hitting his head with a hammer, which forces out different notes from his mouth. He can perform many numbers, including God Save The King and My Old Man.

The theatre manager loves it. “Great act,” he says, “but what’s in the trunk?”

“Aspirin.” Continue reading “8 December 2013 – Amusements”

Since those of you in the States have just celebrated Thanksgiving, I thought I would share a few feeble Thanksgiving-themed amusements. And, please remember – I don’t make them up, I only pass them along.

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A turkey farmer wanted to genetically engineer the perfect turkey for his family’s holiday meal. His turkeys were already delicious but there was one big problem: not enough drumsticks.

He was tired of all the fighting over the holiday table, so he decided to do something about it.

He spent years trying to selectively breed a turkey that would have enough drumsticks to go around. It became an obsession – he gave up socializing and became something of a hermit and a running joke in the town.

After several years of increasingly reclusive behavior, the other farmers were shocked when he turned up at their local watering hole.

“Well?!?” they asked him, en masse.

“I did it!” said the turkey farmer, “I bred one that has 6 legs!”

“Wow!” “Congratulations!” “We knew you’d pull it off!”

The bartender said, “That’s great, but we have to ask: How did it taste?”

“I don’t know…” said the farmer. “I never could catch the darn thing!” Continue reading “1 December 2013 – Amusements”