Good morning – hope you’ve all had a splendidly splendid week. Our Autumn colour (such as we get it here) is starting to show itself – our Boston Ivy went from deep green to bright red in about six days. The weather similarly has felt decidedly Autumnal, if perhaps somewhat warmer than might be anticipated. We’ve had damp, foggy mornings followed by pleasantly warm afternoon sunshine (sometimes). Continue reading “29 September 2013”
29 September 2013 – Amusements
The career Naval Chief Petty Officer had one more task to complete before he could finally retire after being in the service since he was 17: his discharge medical exam.
The doctor gave him a thorough going over and was impressed. “You’re in excellent health,” he told the over-the-hill seaman. “Except one thing.”
“What’s that?” the CPO asked, looking a little nervous.
“You seem extraordinarily tense. We ruled out medical problems in the exam,” the doctor said, cautiously trying to probe the man’s psyche, “but I have a guess: when was the last time you had sexual relations?”
“1945,” came the reply.
“Well that just has to be it, then!” the astounded medic exclaimed.
“I don’t know why you’d think so, doc,” the E8 said, glancing at his watch. “It’s only 0845 now….” Continue reading “29 September 2013 – Amusements”
22 September 2013
Good morning to you all. It’s been a mixed week in beautiful downtown Byfield. A bit of rain, a bit of sunshine, a lot of grey and overcast skies. Still, we’ve had a good week and that’s what counts, I guess. Continue reading “22 September 2013”
22 September 2013 – Amusements
A man goes to the confessional and begins, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.
“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.
“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Father,” says the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the priest again.
“Well, no,” says the man. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed priest.
“No, not yet,” the man replies. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asks the now impatient priest.
“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of the hole.”
The priest sighs. “You missed the putt, didn’t you?” Continue reading “22 September 2013 – Amusements”
15 September 2013
Good morning to you all. A bit cool, overcast and occasionally drizzly for much of the week but there was still the occasional fine and sunny day to keep our spirits up. Continue reading “15 September 2013”
15 September 2013 – Amusements
One would obviously never condone this sort of anti-social behaviour.
Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: – Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall!
Baaaaam! They hit the wall.
The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: – You good for nothing, I’ve been screaming for you to watch out, why didn’t you?
Jim answered him: – IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!! Continue reading “15 September 2013 – Amusements”
8 September 2013
Good morning to you all. Thankfully, we’re more or less over our jet lag and so back on to a somewhat regular routine. We’ve had a great week – the weather has been excellent most of the time – warm and sunny with clear skies until Friday when it was overcast with some drizzle while the temperature dropped about 20 degrees. It was clear again on Saturday but still significantly cooler than it had been all week. Looks like this could be the end of the summer! Continue reading “8 September 2013”
8 September 2013 – Amusements
The manager of the bakery had just finished training 15-year-old Bitzi, his new hire. He had bent the rules a little by hiring her at her age, but he thought she was a good worker. “Okay, here’s your first task,” the manager said. “See those boxes over there? That’s our shipment of pies. Put half of them in the freezer and half of them in the oven.”
“Yes, sir,” Bitzi said enthusiastically. She went over to the boxes and started opening them.
“All done,” she said to the manager 30 minutes later. The manager thought she took a little long to do that one task.
“Half of the pies are in the oven?” he asked.
“Yes,” Bitzi answered. “I’ll show you.” She walked over to the oven and opened the door. Inside were several rows of pies that had all been cut in half. Continue reading “8 September 2013 – Amusements”
1 September 2013
Good morning from beautiful, downtown Byfield and profound apologies for the interruption in our regularly scheduled service. As I warned you last time, we’ve been in the States for most of August and although I had great intentions, you will not be surprised to learn that there were simply too many distractions for me to put my good intentions into practice.
Naturally, the complaints have been flooding in to the relevant department here at the Befouled Weakly News which have been dealt with in the usual manner – by ignoring them. There were even complaints from those who were on holiday with us! Continue reading “1 September 2013”