Month: April 2013

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28 April 2013

Good morning to you all on what is looking like the beginning of a decidedly dodgy week, which is a shame considering that this past week we enjoyed some pretty decent Spring-like weather – it’s been warmer than it has been and we’ve even seen the occasional spot of sunshine. Yesterday, however, provided a precursor to what the weather forecasters are predicting for the week ahead – hail showers and plummeting temperatures. Oh, well. Spring will arrive one day, I guess.

We gave you the least bad photos last week from our recent excursion to Barcelona. Today, a quick run-down of some of the highlights.

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28 April 2013 – Amusements

A salesman for a major beverage company returns from his assignment in the Middle East and reports his assignment was a total failure. “Tell me what happened,” his boss says.

“When I accepted the assignment,” replies the salesman, “I was confident I could turn a profit for the company there, since it was a brand new market and no one had ever tried our drink. But once I arrived, I realized that I had a problem: I didn’t speak their language.”

“So what did you do?” the boss probes.

“I decided to convey our message by using three posters. In the first, I showed a man crawling through the desert heat, exhausted and panting with thirst. The second poster shows the man having a drink of our cola. The final poster showed the man happy and totally refreshed. I had them plastered at every corner and in every market I could find.”

“That should have worked,” the boss chimes in. “Why didn’t it?”

“Well,” the salesman confesses, “not only did I not speak the language, but I also didn’t realize that most people in that country read from right to left.” Continue reading “28 April 2013 – Amusements”

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21 April 2013

la Mercat de la BoqueriaHola, y buenas dias! We’re just back from our short break in Barcelona where we had a fantastic time. The weather was fabulous, the wine was delicious and the tapas a treat.

I was astounded and mightily relieved to discover that those scraps of Spanish I learned all those years ago were still rattling around in my increasingly empty brain and were able to find their way out once in a while. Or, at any rate the locals, always very friendly and helpful, nodded knowingly, rolled their eyes and replied in perfect English to just about anything I asked.

Is it just me or does anyone else remember memorising?

Hola, Isabel.  Como estás?
Estoy bien, gracias.  Y tu?
Bien, gracias.  Oye, quien es ese chico?
Es un amigo mio.
Como se llama?
Se llama Juan.  Ven y te lo presento.  Juan, quiero presentarte a un amigo.
Mucho gusto.
El gusto es mio.  Soy Juan Martinez.
Donde vas ahora, Juan?
A la clase de Espanol.
Ah, tu estudias Espanol.  Nosotros, tambien
Bueno.  Vamos a clase.

Sorry about the lack of appropriate accents and no, I don’t remember all of it – only about the first five or six lines – but I well remember sitting in the back of the class in, I think, Sixth Grade reciting this litany. That and singing lustily about the antics of the poor La Cucaracha not being able to walk due to being under the influence of  marihuana pa’ fumar.

Not enough time to provide a full travelogue so you’ll have to make do with some of the least bad photos here.

Love to you all,

Greg

 

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21 April 2013 – Amusements

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 if we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant ears on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen.

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!” Continue reading “21 April 2013 – Amusements”

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14 April 2013

Another marvellous week of non-Spring-like weather, just for a change. To be fair, we did catch a glimpse or two of the sun in the middle of the week and the temperatures have been moving in the “right” direction, but it’s still largely dismal. The daffodils are just beginning to open their eyes but they do look cold and miserable and somewhat stunted by all the cold weather we’ve had. Private Eye had an article expressing concern “for the whereabouts of the much-loved star known as ‘the sun’.” which sums the situation up nicely.

Fears Grow for Reclusive Star

There have been mounting concerns for the whereabouts of the much-loved star known as “the sun”. It has not been seen by the public since around August last year and there are rumours that it may never come out again.

A once common sight, particularly in the seventies, when it seemed to be everywhere, this star has drastically cut down its appearances and, according to friends, is now living “under a cloud”. British fans of the sun may now only see it in the Australian jungle where it will join the other faded stars on ‘I’m a Celebrity . . .’ Continue reading “14 April 2013”

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14 April 2013 – Amusements

These came from Dad – I could have sworn we’ve featured these before in the Befouled Weakly News but searching turns up nothing. So, presumably I am mistaken (again).

Classified ads reportedly from British Newspapers

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old, Hateful little bugger. Bites!

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FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

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FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

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COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

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WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie.

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FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannic, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. Continue reading “14 April 2013 – Amusements”

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7 April 2013

Good morning to you all on another fine spring morning in our neighbourhood. By “fine” I mean exceedingly cold for early April, of course.

Ms Playchute and I enjoyed a lovely Easter Sunday last week – Annabelle brought Nick and Lucy for Sunday lunch to which, unusually, I actually made a constructive contribution. I followed a very simple recipe to the letter and the result was a very nice chocolate cake, if I do say so myself.

Penelope did everything else and, as usual, the feast was well beyond epic proportions – I think the left-overs lasted until Wednesday. Nick and Lucy had also arrived clutching two very, very large chocolate Easter eggs, one for Penelope and one for me, each of which was the size of a small continent. At the time I thought that we would never manage to get through them; by Friday the first one was gone and, although we’ve not yet commenced consuming the second, once we start I am guessing it won’t take us long.

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7 April 2013 – Amusements

A young bride-to-be went to see her local priest to check on the preparations for her wedding.

“How can I help?” he asked.

“Well, Father”, she began, “it’s to do with my wedding dress. I was wondering what colour it should be.”

“The answer to that depends on your virtues, my dear”, replied the priest.

“What do you mean?” the innocent girl asked.

“It’s simple,” said the priest. “If you are pure and have not sinned, then you wear white.”

“And if…?” asked the girl.

“Otherwise, you wear blue,” explained the priest.

“Oh, I see. Thank you very much.” she said, and turned to go.

“Wait a moment.”, said the priest. “What color will you be wearing?”

“White!” said the girl.

“Oh good,” smiled the priest.

“…with hundreds of little blue polka dots.

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