These came from Erik Benson:
Wish I’d Said That!
When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I’m a billionaire.
Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind
The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
Jean Rostand
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
W.H. Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very sceptical.
Arthur C. Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
Steven Wright
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley
