Credit where credit is due – the BBC predicted that the Jet Stream was about to move and consequently bring us a spell of decent summer weather. Naturally, I doubted the accuracy of the report and put it down to wishful thinking or an attempt to bury the unremitting stream of bad news with something sure to cheer up the British public. Now I realise that the BBC is 100% accurate in everything they report, I will never doubt their weather forecasts again and I am delighted to be able to set the record straight. Continue reading “29 July 2012”
29 July 2012 – Amusements
This came from Sarah. We might have had it before but it’s still cute.
God said: “Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.”
St. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. Continue reading “29 July 2012 – Amusements”
22 July 2012
Boy, have we got a bumper edition for you this week – lousy weather and the optimistic prediction from the BBC (so it must be true) that it will all change in time for the Olympics, a technological misfortune, freedom for the Naked Rambler and a trio of farcical Government mishaps – the Olympic security disaster, misguided cuts to flood defence programmes and the collapse of the Education Secretary’s “Flagship” Free Academy. Continue reading “22 July 2012”
22 July 2012 – Amusements
In case of emergency this is good to know. I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn’t believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my life-like men, which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.
And, of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
“What’s going on here lady?!!!!!”
“My car has a flat tire,” I said calmly.
“Well, what the h—- are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”
I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him, “Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers.” Continue reading “22 July 2012 – Amusements”
15 July 2012
This week we have been mainly having . . . Oh, I used that already.
It may surprise you to know that we had a very pleasant day on Friday, in contrast to the continuing gloom and deluges we have enjoyed throughout the rest of the week. But on Friday, in the early evening particularly, it was very pleasant – the skies were relatively clear, the sun shone and Ms Playchute and I even ventured out and sat on the patio drinking some very pleasant wine from the Languedoc. Opportunities to sit out have been decidedly limited this summer and we had almost forgotten what a pleasant way to round off a busy week sitting out in the sunshine with a bottle of wine can be. Don’t worry – Saturday it rained for much of the day. Continue reading “15 July 2012”
15 July 2012 – Amusements
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
“Why don’t you do that?” said the wife.
“Honey,” replied her husband, “I don’t even know that woman!” Continue reading “15 July 2012 – Amusements”
8 July 2012
There was a television programme a few years back called “The Fast Show” which our English readership will remember. One of the recurring sketches each week was the appearance of Jesse who pronounced on various topics. This unkempt, dishevelled tramp would emerge from a dilapidated shed and announce that this week he had been mostly eating . . . boiled cabbage or Brussels sprouts, etc.
So, in fond memory of (and with apologies to) a pleasant enough comedy programme:
This week we have mostly been having . . . RAIN! Continue reading “8 July 2012”
8 July 2012 – Amusements
Mary and Sue hadn’t seen each other for years. When they finally sat down to lunch, Mary was stunned at how trim and healthy Sue looked. Mary asked “What do you do to stay so fit?”
“Well,” answered Sue, “I’ve found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs.”
“Really!” exclaimed Mary, looking her friend up and down. “You simply must tell me who does your catering!” Continue reading “8 July 2012 – Amusements”
1 July 2012
My optimistic prediction that the pattern of improving weather would continue proved to be exactly that – wildly optimistic. I would have been content if the pattern of one nice day, two nice days, etc. were simply to increase in an arithmetic pattern; I wasn’t necessarily hoping for or expecting a geometric progression, i.e., one nice day, two nice days, four nice days, etc. What we seem to have now is a cyclical pattern, i.e., one nice day, two nice days, one nice day, etc. for we did, indeed, have one nice day this week (and that’s probably being somewhat generous with the definition of “nice”). On Thursday it was mainly dry (in our area, anyway – those further north are still clearing up after the floods they enjoyed), the sun shone (a bit) and the temperature was warm (77 degrees F, 25 degrees C) and humid. In between the downpours and deluges, one could almost convince oneself it was a good day.
And this just in – this has been the wettest June since records began and, similarly, the three month period from April to June is also the wettest April to June since records began. I guess our perception that the weather has been pretty lousy since that warm, sunny spell we had in March is just about right.
1 July 2012 – Amusements
I was dining in our Georgia town, when a tourist stopped by my table. “Excuse me,” he said. “My wife loves your sandals. Did you buy them somewhere locally?”
”Yes, just down the street,” I said.
“May I ask how much they cost?”
“They were $77.”
“Thank you.” He then hollered to his wife, “Honey, she got them in Florida!” Continue reading “1 July 2012 – Amusements”