Good morning to you all on a gloriously glorious day in our neck of the woods. Here’s hoping that your Spring has sprung too. I have to say, we’re not getting the 70 degree temperatures Pam wrote about; ours are in the more modest 50s and 60s range but it’s bright, clear, sunny and warm so what’s to complain about. And, we’ve had pretty decent weather all week – a bit foggy and hazy in the mornings with a bit of chill but once the sun has broken through to disperse the haze, it’s been lovely. Continue reading “25 March 2012”
25 March 2012 – Amusements
These came from our favourite UN diplomat, Jordan Ryan:
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
- Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
- Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an as*hole.
- Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
- Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
- Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
- Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
- Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
- Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
- Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
- Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease (This one got extra credit.)
- Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
- Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
- Glibido : All talk and no action.
- Dopeler Effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
- Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
- Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
18 March 2012
Whilst waxing lyrical about the onset of Spring in last week’s Befouled Weakly News (the sun has shone, the temperatures have been very tolerable, the daffodils are ready to burst into bloom, the birdsong is rampant, the insects are beginning to emerge from their winter slumbers and the wood pigeons in the trees outside our bedroom window are “at it” constantly, etc.), I realised that I neglected to include one of the more obvious signs of Spring, at least around these parts: the emergence of huge expanses of pale, white skin cascading out of over-short and over-tight clothing. The spectacle is enhanced for many of the men (and some of the women), with every millimetre of spare flesh covered with tattoos of various descriptions. Fortunately, this week has been somewhat chilly with grey, overcast skies and we’ve largely been spared the sight of Banburians exposing either their over-ample lily-white skin and/or the swathes of intricate tattoos. Continue reading “18 March 2012”
18 March 2012 – Amusements
A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me, but I have no idea what he’s talking about.” Continue reading “18 March 2012 – Amusements”
11 March 2012
Good morning to you all after what has been a pretty decent week in beautiful, downtown Byfield. Very decent and acceptable weather in the middle of the week; the sun has shone, the temperatures have been very tolerable, the daffodils are ready to burst into bloom, the birdsong is rampant, the insects are beginning to emerge from their winter slumbers and the wood pigeons in the trees outside our bedroom window are “at it” constantly. Clearly Spring is just around the corner. Continue reading “11 March 2012”
11 March 2012 – Amusements
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man’s milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”
The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.” Continue reading “11 March 2012 – Amusements”
4 March 2012
Man! What a social life we enjoy! A veritable whirl of exciting and exhilarating experiences which it has been our pleasure to endure over the past couple of weekends. A week ago on Friday Ms Playchute did not feel much like cooking (and, you’ll be surprised to hear, neither did I) so we spoiled ourselves with an Indian take-away. Now, I know that’s not too exciting for those of you who live in a metropolis of any significance but for us in beautiful downtown Byfield, this is a real treat, even if it does mean having to travel down to the next village to collect it. Continue reading “4 March 2012”
4 March 2012 – Amusements
A salesman telephoned a household and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen. Continue reading “4 March 2012 – Amusements”