Good morning on a beautiful, spring-like morning in beautiful downtown Byfield. What a week of wacky weather we’ve had! Snow on Sunday and then 19 degrees C (nearly 70 F) on Wednesday afternoon. The tail end of the week was gloriously sunny and warm; the daffodils have begun to awaken from their winter slumber and the hyacinth on Penelope’s kitchen windowsill has bolted so fast that it has fallen over in a slump (still smells gorgeous, however). I know it’s too soon to declare the end of winter but we’ll take this while we can. Continue reading “26 February 2012”
26 February 2012 – Amusements
We’ve had this before but it’s worth repeating:
God Vs. Satan
In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s and Krispy Kreme.
And Satan said: “You want hot fudge with that?”
And Man said: “Yes!”
And Woman said: “I’ll have one, too…with sprinkles.”
And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: “Try my fresh green garden salad.”
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: “I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt, all to be washed down with artificially flavored sodas over-sweetened with huge amounts of high-fructose corn syrup.
And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits as they sat on the couch all evening.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald’s and the 99-cent double cheeseburger, and then asked “Do you want fries with that?”
And Man replied: “Yes! And super size ’em!”
And Satan said: “It is good.”
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed…and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created HMOs. Continue reading “26 February 2012 – Amusements”
19 February 2012
Well, it’s been a pretty miserable week in the Stragnell household. I started developing a cold on Tuesday (Valentine’s Day, I know!) which has progressed steadily downhill all week approaching full-blooded “Man Flu” by the end of the week. And, as we know, if I’m miserable I am quite capable of making everyone within a ten mile radius miserable as well! So, I’ve had a miserable week, Penelope has had a miserable week, the dog has had a miserable week and the postman and rubbish collectors were exceedingly fortunate I was otherwise occupied when they visited. Continue reading “19 February 2012”
19 February 2012 – Amusements
This apocryphal tale came from Dad
Two Wisconsin duck Hunters: ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
It could only happen in America as Larry the cable guy would say.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00. He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It’s mid-winter and, of course, all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG…?
Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it. The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler for the dog to stop.
The dog, now apparently cheered on by its master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!
The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog’s rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with ‘I can’t believe this just happened’ looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. The dog is okay….doing fine.
And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.
On a joint military exercise an English soldier an American soldier and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.
“In the Russian army we get 2000 calories of food a day” said the Russian.
“Well” said the Englishman, “in the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day.
“That’s nothing” said the American. “In the U.S. army we are given 8000 calories of food a day.
At this the Russian got very annoyed. “Nonsense,” he said, “how could anyone eat so much cabbage?”
About 30 minutes outbound from LA, a flight attendant on a United Airlines cross-country flight nervously announced, “I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.” When the passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.”
Her next announcement came an hour later. “If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available.”
12 February 2012
Good morning to you all on another f***ing freezing morning in beautiful downtown Byfield. I had hoped that last weekend’s snow was going to be gone by Monday morning and, in the early part of the week, it looked like that might be a possibility. If not gone by Monday perhaps Tuesday or Wednesday? The temperatures in the early part of the week played their part – a few degrees above freezing which turned the snow into a delightfully slushy, muddy quagmire. Thursday evening, however, brought another round of plummeting temperatures and another fresh provision of powdery snow. Friday night was, apparently, the coldest this winter at -18 C (0 F in old money) which I know isn’t much to you in the great frozen Northeast but temperatures that cold are somewhat unusual for the UK.
The weather forecasters are predicting at least another week to ten days of Arctic conditions. Children and dogs seem to enjoy the snow and while I enjoy looking out on it for a day or so, any more than that is just not necessary, thank you very much! Thank goodness for my flannel-lined trousers! Continue reading “12 February 2012”
12 February 2012 – Amusements
My friend returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of tests. My friend wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries my friend, “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asks my friend.
The doctor replies, “Well no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.” Continue reading “12 February 2012 – Amusements”
5 February 2012
Good morning and what a terrific week we’ve had – bracingly fresh or f***ing freezing, depending on your perspective but, in general, fine, clear, bright blue skies. Toward the end of the week the temperatures dropped from merely f***ing freezing to “OMG it’s f***ing cold!” I hadn’t really appreciated that there were that many negative numbers. Then, on Saturday afternoon the cold front from Siberia ran into the slightly-less cold front rumbling in from the Atlantic to give us our first real snowfall of the winter. As is often the case, we’ve had it less severe than other parts of the country for which I am always grateful. Continue reading “5 February 2012”
5 February 2012 – Amusements
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Christmas dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Mikey, helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Mikey to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.
“The cupcakes look delicious, Mike.” his uncle said. He took a bite and said, “Mikey these are so good.” As he finished the cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. “The cupcakes look beautiful, Mikey,” his uncle said. “How did you get the icing so neat?”
His nephew replied, “It was easy. I just licked them.”
The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. “You licked all of these?”
Mikey replied, “Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, so I got the dog to help.” Continue reading “5 February 2012 – Amusements”