Good morning to you all after a fairly decent week in beautiful, downtown Byfield. The early part of the week was unseasonably mild which must be why I spotted the first snowdrops of the season on Friday. That was the day, of course, when we also had our first snow of the year – a tiny smattering which was gone by lunchtime but the temperatures have fallen and we are being promised more typically winter weather in the days to come. Continue reading “29 January 2012”
29 January 2012 – Amusements
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!” Continue reading “29 January 2012 – Amusements”
22 January 2012
Good morning to you all and hope it’s a grand morning wherever you are waking up. We’ve had a busy, busy week including the first bicycle ride of the new year. Indeed, it’s the first bike ride I’ve been able to enjoy since last summer sometime when Adam was still here, I think and a glorious ride it was too. Bright, bright clear blue skies with what temperatures I am sure the cycling fraternity would describe as “bracingly fresh.” I would describe it as “cold” bordering on “f***ing cold”. Still, it was an excellent outing which was most enjoyable in spite of the frozen extremities. Continue reading “22 January 2012”
22 January 2012 – Amusements
I know, we’ve had it before but it’s still cute:
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, “What will it be?”
The man replied “I’ll have a burger and a coke.”
“And you?”
“I’ll have the same,” the ostrich replies.
They finish their meal and pay.
“That will be $4.50,” the waitress says.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount. They do this every day until Friday.
“The usual?” she asks.
“No, today is Friday. I’ll have steak and a coke.”
“Me too.” says the ostrich. They finish and pay. “That will be $10.95”
The man reaches in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress is dumb-founded. “How is it that you always have the exact amount?”
“Well,” says the man. “I was cleaning my attic one day and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.
“Wow!” said the waitress. “What did you wish for?”
“I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket.”
“Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what’s with the ostrich?”
“Well,” said the man. “I also asked for a chick with long legs.” Continue reading “22 January 2012 – Amusements”
15 January 2012
Good morning to you all – we’ve had a very pleasant week. The weather has been mainly cooperative – very mild in the first part of the week and then turning frosty and colder at the end of the week but generally clear and bright. It doesn’t really matter if it’s cold as long as it’s not cold with lashings of rain. Continue reading “15 January 2012”
15 January 2012 – Amusements
During a robbery, one of the robbers’ mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked, “Did you see my face?”
The man replied, “Yes!” and the robber immediately shot him.
Then he asked a woman, “Did you see my face?”
She replied, “No, but my husband over there did.” Continue reading “15 January 2012 – Amusements”
8 January 2012
Good morning to you all on this marvellous Sunday morning – mild if grey and somewhat overcast. At least it’s a change from the gale force winds we enjoyed earlier in the week.
We’ve got quite a big day ahead of us so I will have to be brief, I’m afraid. It’s Pen’s mum’s birthday today and grand celebrations are scheduled to commence in a few hours’ time. I have a number of responsibilities in preparation for this afternoon’s festivities, the most important of which is to stay out of Penny’s way. Continue reading “8 January 2012”
8 January 2012 – Amusements
Nearing the end, Bill is surrounded by his loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.” His family urges him to go on.
“Before I got married, I had it all,” Bill explains, “I had fast cars, cute girls and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you’re on your deathbed.’
So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?”
“What?” they all chorused.
“Boy was that BAD advice. I’m not even thirsty!”
I know we’ve had this before but I love it:
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.’s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pyjamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes,” he replied reluctantly.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it!!”
My friend Arthur loved fast food and especially fried chicken and French fries. He became worried about his weight and eventually consulted his doctor.
“What is the least you have ever weighed?” asked the doctor.
Arthur replied “Seven pounds, six ounces.”
1 January 2012
Good morning to you all and a splendidly splendid Happy New Year. Once again, we saw the new year in by slumbering peacefully as the clock struck midnight. As usual, we didn’t make it much past midnight in Cape Town, Sofia, Athens, Tallinn, Helsinki, Bucharest, Johannesburg, Istanbul, Kyiv, Harare, Cairo, Ankara, Jerusalem, Beirut or Amman (to mention but a few). In days gone by we could also have celebrated midnight in Minsk and Moscow but you may remember that those wacky Russians decided to extend daylight savings time throughout the whole year so those places are now permanently one hour ahead of where the sun suggests they should be and, in the summer, two hours. I am sure in these difficult times they can do with all the extra daylight they are saving. Continue reading “1 January 2012”
1 January 2012 – Amusements
This from Dad:
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “Well, why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?” Continue reading “1 January 2012 – Amusements”