Month: September 2011

Summer was coming to a close. The Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be severe or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught old secrets; when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell how the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be safe, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be bad and that everybody should collect wood and be prepared.

Being a practical leader, he had an idea after a few days. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked “Is the coming winter going to be bad?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be terrible,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “It definitely will be very severe.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “Because the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!” Continue reading “25 September 2011 – Amusements”

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.”

She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.”

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles anywhere. ”

The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Continue reading “18 September 2011 – Amusements”

These from Dad.

PARAPROSDOKIANS

I had to look up “paraprosdokian”. Here is the definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.

So, here are more paraprosdokians; enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public..
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify: ‘I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
32. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
33. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
34. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever
35. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
36. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
37. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
38. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
39. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
40. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Words of Wisdom: “The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” Continue reading “4 September 2011 – Amusements”