Good morning from beautiful, downtown Byfield. The big news on the weather front this week – we actually had a drop of rain! Not the rip-roaring deluge we might have anticipated but some very April-like showers, heavy and intermittent blown along by a cold, brisk to gale force wind. Actually, it was a good thing that we didn’t get the Biblical downpour we might have been due as, with the ground being so parched, it most likely would have skidded across the surface and flooded away. As it was, the short, sharp showers have enabled at least some of the precipitation to penetrate through to the roots providing much-needed refreshment for my thirsty broad beans. Continue reading “29 May 2011”
29 May 2011 – Amusements
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, he went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message for ya.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.” Continue reading “29 May 2011 – Amusements”
22 May 2011
Good morning to you all on another fine morning here in beautiful downtown Byfield. The weather this week has followed the pattern of last – glorious, spotlight-bright sunshine burning into your eyes at about 4.30 in the morning followed, by mid-morning, with increasing cloud and wind. By the afternoon the day is cold, overcast and windy with no f***ing rain!
Normally, of course, one would rejoice in being able to report that we’ve had no rain. After all, that’s what British summers are known for the world over – cold rain and wind. But we’ve had no significant rain for weeks and everywhere is desperate, not least my broad beans! And every afternoon, as the skies become increasingly grey and overcast, it seems so tantalisingly close and we even get the odd drop or six but nothing more. I never thought I’d say it but let’s have some rain, please. Continue reading “22 May 2011”
22 May 2011 – Amusements
Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster.
“There is most certainly a difference,” said one. “If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner that would be a misfortune, but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying all the members of Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, that would be a disaster, but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune.” Continue reading “22 May 2011 – Amusements”
15 May 2011
Good morning on another splendidly gorgeous morning. Let’s hope that it either stays splendidly gorgeous or, if it degenerates as it has done for most of the week, that it actually delivers a significant rainfall – the garden needs it!
This is the time of year when the early morning sun shines through one of our windows directly into, first of all, Penelope’s eyes and then, a few moments later, into mine. It’s a pretty rude awakening at 4.30 in the morning, rather like having a theatre spotlight switched on three inches from your face. For the past week the sunshine at that time of the day has been full-on, the skies have been clear and, when I take Molly for her morning constitutional, it’s glorious. By about 10.00, however, it has started clouding over, the wind picks up and we are teased with the prospect of rain all day. But it never comes, apart from the odd droplet or three. The farmers need it and my broad beans need it, so bring it on! Continue reading “15 May 2011”
15 May 2011 – Amusements
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she called her husband at work. “I just dreamt that you went grocery shopping, cooked the dinner for tonight and also washed all the dishes. What do you think it means?”
“You will know tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. When she opened it. She found a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.” Continue reading “15 May 2011 – Amusements”
8 May 2011
Welcome home!
So, here we are, home again in beautiful downtown Byfield after a wonderfully enjoyable and agreeable ten days in Hanover, Huletts Landing and Boston.
When last we “spoke” I was relating how delighted I was to be able to provide additional driving opportunities for Dad as we drove to Huletts and then straight back to Hanover to have my eyes checked at the Dartmouth-Hitchcock emergency room. Having been given the “all-clear” we set off back to Huletts on Sunday and enjoyed one of the nicest days I have ever had the privilege of seeing at the Lake. Sandy and I spent early Sunday evening “fishing” (I say “fishing” but in truth Sandy fished and I pretended to know what I was doing by following his instructions as carefully as I was able). Unfortunately, we caught nothing but we were more than compensated for our efforts – the Lake was stunningly beautiful. At dinner that evening Sandy laughed and said to Pam that I had been faced with a problem with which he and she are abundantly familiar – which of the 8,000 potentially fantastic photos do you take? I resolved that particular dilemma by taking all 8,000. (You can see a slideshow of some of the least bad ones here). Continue reading “8 May 2011”
8 May 2011 – Amusements
A cop sees an older gentleman staggering slightly down the street. It’s 1:00 in the morning. He pulls over for a chat.
“Good evening, sir,” the cop says. “Is everything OK?”
“Why yes, officer, thank you,” the man says, speaking a bit thickly.
“Where are you headed?” the cop asks.
“I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,” the man says with certainty.
“Sir, it’s 1:00 in the morning,” the cop says. “Who would be giving a lecture on that topic at this hour?”
The man nods, looks the cop in the eye, and says, “My wife.”
1 May 2011
OK. Sorry for the delay – is everyone sitting comfortably?
If you have been paying attention, you will know that I am currently in the States visiting Mom and Dad (and if you haven’t been paying attention, it doesn’t really matter). Presently we are at Lake George on a gloriously beautiful Spring day. The sky is clear, the sun is blazing and the temperature must be approaching 70 degrees Fahrenheit (about 21 degrees Celsius). I flew from London to Boston on Wednesday morning, the flight was fine and I had a chance to see some decent films which I have been looking forward to (The King’s Speech, The Social Network and True Grit [the new Coen brothers version] just about filled up the flight). I made a convenient connection with the Dartmouth Coach and arrived in Hanover just before 6.00 pm local time.
1 May 2011 – Amusements
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
As the evening draws to a close, Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?” They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.