Good morning to you all and especially “good morning” to one of our recipients who had apparently not discovered that the Befouled Weakly News is now an exclusively on-line publication. Our subscription department received an enquiry during the week. It wasn’t a complaint, per se, but a query as to what had happened to the News? Had it gone out of business? Had the editor simply downed tools or been sacked for gross incompetence? Had the authorities finally raided the premises and thrown the editor into the clink for subversion and sedition? It turns out that they had missed the announcement in January and, since there have been no e-mail reminders in recent weeks, they imagined that we had simply vanished. Wishful thinking, I guess. Continue reading “27 March 2011”
27 March 2011 – Amusements
Doug decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Doug’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Doug said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Doug got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.” Continue reading “27 March 2011 – Amusements”
20 March 2011
So, Spring arrived yesterday and glorious it was too. After a frosty start, it was bright, clear and pleasantly warm – 12 degrees Celsius (just under 54 degrees in old money). The sun shone, the birds sang, tiny flying insects buzzed (where do they all come from in such a short period of time) and the neighbourhood was deafened by the sound of dozens of lawn mowers.
Naturally, at the first sign of decent weather, Ms Playchute decided that yesterday was the day to drain the pond and attack the garden. So, she spent most of the daylight hours toiling away and I offered token physical support (but a huge quantity of moral support). In spite of my better judgement, I did mow the lawn at her request (I think there must be a European directive against indulging in such activities so early in year but when one’s sweetheart makes a request…). Continue reading “20 March 2011”
20 March 2011 – Amusements
A young man entered the local Tasty Freeze and asked, “What kind of ice cream do you have?”
“Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” the girl replied, wheezing as she spoke and patting her chest and seemingly unable to say much more.
“Do you have asthma or laryngitis?” the young man asked sympathetically.
“Nope,” she whispered, “just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.” Continue reading “20 March 2011 – Amusements”
13 March 2011
Must be quick this morning – we are awaiting the arrival of John and Cilla Jelliffe who are in the UK for a short visit along with Sam and Emma. The last time they visited the UK they failed to contact us so we chastised them roundly when we saw them last. John e-mailed a couple of weeks ago so it seems they have learned their lesson.
13 March 2011 – Amusements
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvellous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
Continue reading “13 March 2011 – Amusements”
6 March 2011
We’re back and I have to confess that we had a splendid time last weekend in Devon helping to celebrate our friend Dave Walton’s 60th birthday. The accommodation was superb, the company very sociable and, as I might have mentioned last time, we continued our training for the British Eating and Drinking Team for the 2012 Olympics.
On the Saturday, as I mentioned, we all trekked up Sharp Tor and waddled our way across Ugborough Moor, a modest distance of about three miles each way. We were very fortunate in that the weather stayed fine and sunny all day but, after torrential rain on Friday night, the moor was a quagmire and a howling wind was driving the next storm in from the northwest. So, as we trudged across the moorland, we sank to our ankles in the peaty bog all the while being blown backwards as we struggled against the headwind. Whatever footpaths there were had become cascading rivers so we spent much of our time navigating up the incline in a zigzag fashion hopping from one bit of gorse to another. About half way up the Tor our path did intersect with a gravel path which, in comparison to the animal trails we were following, was a veritable walkers’ motorway and the rest of the climb was conducted using cruise control and auto-pilot. We all felt as if we had burned sufficient calories to justify the extraordinarily excellent meal at a Chinese/Japanese/Indian restaurant in the nearby little town of Kingsbridge which was outstanding in both quality and quantity.
Continue reading “6 March 2011”
6 March 2011 – Amusements
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag your sleepy heads downstairs, and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time. I HAVEN’T MADE THE F**KING PORRIDGE YET!” Continue reading “6 March 2011 – Amusements”